Since writing the “Tired” article, more applicable words have risen to the surface. Distrust, doubt, wariness, skepticism. Even faithlessness.
I’m not talking about faith in some religion’s God here. Or even God in general. Besides, I’ve always had a hard time with the word “God”. How can one put a label on something that’s impossible to accurately conceptualize? Or even vaguely conceptualize? Those who refer to “God” bother me. Either they have some special knowledge that I don’t, or they’ve constructed something in their minds that has no basis in reality.
Oops. Excuse me. Running off on a tangent there. Where was I? Oh yeah. New words have risen. Risen? There’s another word I’ve— [Okay Lynn, can we try to stay on course, at least for a few paragraphs?]
Uhhh… hold on a sec. (Shhh! I’m writing an article here. This is not meant to be a conversation with myself!) Ahem. So where was I? Oh yeah. Over the last week I’ve come to realize that it’s more than some sort of spiritual tiredness that’s keeping me from focusing on the moment; that’s blocking me from maintaining my attention. It’s that I have things to do in life. I must think about these things in terms of planning. I must regularly remind myself of this and that. I’ve convinced myself that if I constantly allow myself to be distracted by applying my attention to this moment and my experiences there, important things might not get done.
How’s that for irony? I’m distracted by my desire not to be distracted by not being distracted. What? (I had to read that back to myself a couple of times to be sure it said what I was thinking. I’m still not sure…) [eye roll] (frown back)
So what’s the deal? Apparently I don’t trust my future attention, so I have to suspend my attention in the present to compensate for this lack of trust. As I contemplate this, those words I listed at the beginning of this article come to mind.
Perhaps this is the real message when religions encourage us to “trust” in God. Let’s replace “God” with “our attention to this moment”, and boom! A whole new meaning! Well, at least for me.
Please join me while I follow my distracted logic for a moment. No, wait. Am I saying that for a moment let’s avoid the moment by talking about how I avoid the moment? In this moment, anyway? What was that??? No, I’m not going to even try to explain that one. I’ve already got myself confused enough as it is.
Forgive me. Yet again I got distracted for a moment. Or by the moment. Or… [Oh shut up!] (Shhh!!!)
This is going nowhere. So let me cut to the chase. I can’t say I’m achieving my life’s purpose by constantly planning and anticipating life, but not being there to experience life. I haven’t been doing that great of a job anyway. Okay, so I’m not in prison. Or living on the street. Or burdened with a drug addiction. I haven’t become a politician. (Perhaps the worst case scenario!) But at the same time I have a strong feeling that I haven’t come close to fulfilling whatever purpose was intended.
Maybe I’ll go ahead and take the risk. Live in the moment while throwing caution to the wind. Forgetting the future while living entirely in the now. Pay full attention now, and trust that the future will be okay by paying full attention when the future becomes now.
However, to take such a wild leap is going to take some serious thinking. I need to outline a strategy. A blueprint going forward. It’ll take time to hammer out a suitable methodology. I will commit to this, but it’s not realistic to do it quite yet. Soon maybe, but not right now. [You’re a hypocrite.] (I already said I’m not talking to you.)